Negotiating through Conflict

SUMMARY

Conflict is inevitable; it’s something that is always going to be there. When you have people with differing ideas and experiences, and they're looking at the world through a different lens than the people around them, you’re going to have misunderstandings.

Building relationships with people is a crucial element of being a leader. Knowing that relationships are going to have ups and downs, you need to be empowered to not only lead yourself through conflict but inspire others to navigate conflict in a certain way as well.

This week, I want to show you some alternatives to what it is that you might be doing now so that you can get a different result by teaching you how to negotiate through conflict.

TRANSCRIPT

Do you run away from conflict, or are you in their boots and all, ready to win at all costs?

I know this is a major challenge for people right across the world because conflict is just a part of life. How you navigate that conflict will determine whether your outcomes are good for you, others, and the greater good.

Stick with me because this week, I want to show you some alternatives to what it is that you might be doing now so that you can get a different result.

Hi, this is Grant Herbert, VUCA Leadership and Sustainable Performance Coach, and today I want to continue our conversation as we go through the competencies of relationship management by teaching you how to negotiate through conflict.

Conflict is inevitable; it’s something that is always going to be there. When you have people with differing ideas and experiences, and they're looking at the world through a different lens than the people around them, you’re going to have misunderstandings.

When people are not able to manage their responses to their emotions, conflicts can escalate, creating a lot of negative energy in your workplace, home, or community.

When people have an opinion that's different to yours, that might rub you the wrong way and vice versa.

Building relationships with people is a crucial element of being a leader. Knowing that relationships are going to have ups and downs, you need to be empowered to not only lead yourself through conflict but inspire others to navigate conflict in a certain way as well.

Let's talk about these elements that are going to help you to do that.

The first thing you need to do is to recognise that communication and building these communication competencies is the key:

Actively listening.

Having empathy and understanding for others.

Allowing people to have an opinion that is different to yours without that being a concern doesn't make either of you wrong; it just makes your opinion different.

Bringing all these things together, using that process I taught you around communication where when you encode your communication and send it out across the different mediums that you can use through that noise that's around. Then, decoding what they think you said, putting together their response, encoding it, and sending it back, and so on and so forth, and it continues to go on.

The key challenge in conflict is to make sure that you move away from the noise and remove the thought patterns that are around: “I need to win because if I don't, it says _____ about me.”

All those things that we deal with in personal power as well they're the key foundations of being able to navigate conflict.

Once you have looked at those things, the next thing you need to do is to remember that people communicate, behave, and respond differently to you and in certain situations.

So, having a deeper understanding — using your empathy — of the other people who are involved in the conflict is going to help you to navigate this in a healthier way.

The next thing to look at is that you and I use particular go-to styles when we are forced into conflict.

Sometimes, people go looking for conflict. Other times, it just comes across your desk and into your path, and your response to what conflict means, in the first instance, is the key for you unlocking the ability to shift the different styles that you can use.

Conflict negotiation is about collaborating with other people to find a result that is good for you, them, and the greater good.

Sometimes it’s simple; sometimes it’s complex, and the more situations and people that are involved is what creates that.

I want to tell you about five key styles that people use in conflict, and as I do that, I want you to identify your go-to style.

Now, all these styles are valid and can be used in conflict situations. Unfortunately, when you use a particular style and no other, or you use styles in the wrong part of a negotiation, that's what takes things off the rails and stops you from getting the result that you want.

The first style is Avoiding.

Someone who avoids conflict sees conflict as something that is not a good thing. It's something that they need to stay away from at all costs. They have this subconscious thought that says: If I just ignore it, perhaps it'll go away.

They look down and get back to their work. However, when they look up, it's still there. In fact, it's probably got a bit worse because it's festered, and it hasn't been disrupted; it hasn't had any communication entered into it.

So, avoiding conflict, knowing that conflict is inevitable, is not a style that you always want to use.

Now, there are times when the avoiding style is perfect. There are conflicts that you get into that are not your conflicts. Therefore, avoiding them and letting those who are really involved in the conflict get involved or getting the right people involved is the best thing to do.

Avoiding conflict, when you're in a conflict for a period of time to let things calm down and get back to a position where your emotional responses are healthy, can also be a good thing.

So, knowing when to avoid conflict and use that style is really important.

The second style is the Competitive style.

This style says: "I’m in here, boots and all, and my only goal is to win. I need to negotiate something for me.”

Unfortunately, this style can become a little aggressive, and the perception of the people that you're in conflict with is that you only care about yourself and not them at all.

Whilst it's good in certain situations to have that competitive style (that wins at all costs), it needs to be used sparingly and in the right situations.

When there's a position of safety involved, having that style that says: “No, this is the only way that we're going to negotiate this”, can be appropriate.

However, you need to make sure that you use this style sparingly and only in a way that's not just good for you but also good for everybody else.

The next style is Accommodating.

This style is where you wave the white flag and say, “Okay, I'll give you everything that you want.”

This can sometimes be seen as similar to avoiding, but what you're saying in this style is:

“Just walk all over me; I'll give you everything that you want because I don't feel strong enough to negotiate this with you.”

Unfortunately, this is not the best style to use as a leader.

To just give others what they want says that you don't care about them.

You might be thinking: “Well, if I give them everything that they want, it shows that I am concerned about them.”

No, it doesn’t.

It instead says - “I have a concern for you. However, there's a lack of balance about concern for myself.”

And if you continue to just use the accommodating style all the time, then you are not going to be a leader who's looked upon to help people navigate through conflict.

However, accommodating style can be used when you can see that it's not moving forward.

Being able to withdraw from the conflict and put it aside, giving a little bit so that you can go back and regroup and get to where you need to be before getting back into the conflict or indeed, giving somebody else the empowerment to get involved on your behalf.

All these things can work together.

Now that we’ve done three of the five, and the same will apply with the next two, is that it's about using a combination of these styles in the right place that's going to allow you to negotiate conflict in a healthy way.

The next style is Compromising.

This is where you feel that you're not going to be able to move forward unless you give a little.

It's saying: “I'll give you a little bit of what you want. You give me a little bit of what I want.”

Unfortunately, this style (although it can be used well if the talks are breaking down so that you can at least start moving forward) can also be used to manipulate you.

For example, when someone says: “Okay, I'll give you something that you want….”

Then, they'll use that against you by saying: “Hey, I gave you ___. You need to give me ____.”

So, this is a style that can be used as a part of the overall strategy, but not one that's going to be something to use all the time.

Number five is the Collaborative style.

This is where everyone works together to get a mutually beneficial outcome.

Teams that can communicate well, have a strong sense of individual personal power and are able to keep their emotional responses in check are the type of teams that can use this collaborative approach to get the best outcome for the individuals, the collective and the greater good.

So, using these five different styles in their right context will help you to go from a position of conflict and strife to an outcome that is going to allow things to flow and grow.

Conflict is inevitable. It's not something that's going to stop anytime soon. So, as a leader, this is a skill set that you need to develop.

Conflict is something that you need to negotiate for yourself. As a leader, you're going to be called to get involved in other conflicts as well.

Developing how you feel about conflict is the first step.

Make sure that you see conflict as a good thing. A team that has conflict is a team that is going below the surface; they're a team that is stretching themselves.

Through the way they handle the conflict, when it's done in a positive way, they will grow the relationships and build stronger levels of connection and understanding.

So, conflict is something that can be used for good, but it starts with realising that it is a good thing and it is something that we need to navigate rather than just tolerate.

Well, that’s it from me for another week.

Join me again next week as we continue going through these ten competencies of relationship management by helping you to become a more inspirational leader.

I'll see you then.