It's Not Who You Are

SUMMARY

Do you find it difficult to disassociate from what you do during the day when you go home at night?

Do you find that you define yourself by what you get done during the day?

Well, this is common (most people do this).

What this can do is create a lot of stress and a lot of conflict.

When you identify yourself by what you do, you bring in a lot of judgment and elements that contribute to your inability to pull back from what you do when you go home at night time, when you go on holidays, or whenever you try to be who you need to be in every other area of your life.

Your work is just part of life; It’s not your life. What you do - whether you've got a title or not - is not who you are. So, I want to help you understand how you can break free from this by looking firstly at why you do this and then looking at practical things that you can do to shift that thinking and then change the behaviour.

Over the coming weeks, we're going to do more on this. We're going to look at why you've lost those things. We're going to make sure that you are empowered with different mindsets and behaviours that will help you go way beyond what you do and come back to your true identity—not the one with the mask, not the one that you pretend that you are because you think that's what other people expect you to be. No, the authentic you. The one who is the only one who’s able to be who you need to be and do the things you've been called to do.

So, if you go home at night and you're not able to disassociate from your work, I really want you to consider that’s because you've made what you do who you are. Therefore, you carry it around everywhere you go.

Well, that's it from me for another week. Join me again next week as we go deeper into this, and we look at the reasons why your identity has become what it is and how that true identity has been eroded away.

I'll see you then.

TRANSCRIPT

Do you find it difficult to disassociate from what you do during the day when you go home at night?

Do you find that you define yourself by what you get done during the day?

Well, this is common (most people do this).

What this can do is create a lot of stress and a lot of conflict.

So, stick with me because this week I want to help you look at this differently and break free from that forever.

Hi, this is Grant Herbert, VUCA Leadership and Sustainable Performance Coach, and today I want to continue our conversation around all things leadership — in this case personal leadership— by helping you to realise that it's not who you are.

Most people I work with identify themselves by what they do. When you approach them and have a conversation, they invariably tell you very quickly what they do.

One of the things I want to do is quickly challenge people on that and help them understand that what they do is not who they are.

When you identify yourself by what you do, you bring in a lot of judgment and elements that contribute to your inability to pull back from what you do when you go home at night time, when you go on holidays, or whenever you try to be who you need to be in every other area of your life.

Your work is just part of life; It’s not your life. What you do - whether you've got a title or not - is not who you are. So, I want to help you understand how you can break free from this by looking firstly at why you do this and then looking at practical things that you can do to shift that thinking and then change the behaviour.

By saying, “What you do is not who you are”, what I need to do is help you work out who that is. The problem with identifying what you do with who you are is it's a part of the performance trap. It's an area where you see yourself being able to perform and get the approval of others.

Whenever I stand on stages or in rooms working in law firms, other professional services firms or corporates around the world, the first thing I want to do is ask them to put their hand up if they are a lawyer or they are whatever it is that I'm talking to that day. And, they put their hand up (and I’m sure you would too). Then, I quickly challenge them to flip their perspective around that because doing it is the key to breaking free of that performance and approval addiction.

Being a lawyer [or whatever it is that you call yourself in there as well] is something you do. However, it's not your identity. Your identity is who you believe you are; it's the foundation for everything you do. It's the basis of every relationship. It dictates who you associate with, how you associate with them, and how you perform. So, all these things come from this foundation of your identity. That’s why in the nine crucial shifts that I work with, this is the key area that we start with building the foundation of a healthy identity so that you understand who you actually are.

In most cases, you need to rediscover who you are because you've lost that because of the things that have gone on in your life, the experiences that you've had and what you've made that mean about you that has changed your life.

I'll say it again: What you do is not who you are.

You may ask me: “Who am I, Grant?” That’s a great question, and only YOU can answer it.

One of the other big challenges is when we outsource this to others. We let other people decide who we are by their judgments, the words they say, or whether or not they give us approval. So, it’s critical for you to realise that it's only up to you. You decide who you are and who you are not.

What is an identity?

An identity is a deep-seated understanding founded on personal power that allows you to say:

“You know what? This is who I am, and in fact, this is who I'm becoming, and I'm happy with who I am. I'm teachable and humble. I've still got a long way to go, and I'm on a journey of imperfection, but I know who I am.”

It's underpinned by what's important to you: your priorities, values, morals, and inner characteristics, which are who you are.

If you're not sure what those things are or you've lost them because of the speed of change and the pace of the world and all these experiences and mistakes that you've made and what you've made that mean has clouded that, then step one is to pull back, sit down, and get in a space inspires you and is quiet. Eliminate the noise and ask yourself these questions:

What do I believe in?

What's important to me?

What are my priorities?

When you do this, you need to bring your big voice.

If you've been with me for a while, you understand that I call it your “mini-me," which is that small voice that wants to keep you safe. It whispers in your ear, telling you about all the mistakes you've made and making sure that you don't do silly things like move outside the comfort zone or the worth zone that you've put yourself in. And that voice is not going to help you in this process. You need an empowering voice. The one that says: “This is what you have done. This is what you've been able to achieve. These are the experiences that you feel proud about.”

And sometimes, you need a coach. You need someone else who can facilitate that conversation. You need a coach because you're internal dialogue is so deep-seated and rooted in that conditioning, that it just comes out of the subconscious. When you're about to think about something you value or want out of life, it can be stolen away. Then, you forget about it and put it back in the box where it was.

Whatever process you need, get with someone who can help you rediscover what's important: who you are.

And at the pinnacle of that is your purpose.

What are you on the planet for?

This is a question I've asked myself many times over the years.

I also had questions like:

Why was I created?

What’s the plan for me?

What am I supposed to represent and achieve?

What’s my calling?

And that goes way beyond what I do for a living.

Over the coming weeks, we're going to do more on this. We're going to look at why you've lost those things. We're going to make sure that you are empowered with different mindsets and behaviours that will help you go way beyond what you do and come back to your true identity—not the one with the mask, not the one that you pretend that you are because you think that's what other people expect you to be. No, the authentic you. The one who is the only one who’s able to be who you need to be and do the things you've been called to do.

So, if you go home at night and you're not able to disassociate from your work, I really want you to consider that’s because you've made what you do who you are. Therefore, you carry it around everywhere you go.

Well, that's it from me for another week. Join me again next week as we go deeper into this, and we look at the reasons why your identity has become what it is and how that true identity has been eroded away.

I'll see you then.