Discover Your Power Within

SUMMARY

Do you have a calm, inner conviction about who you are and what it is that you can achieve in your life, or are you riddled with self-doubt and fear of what other people think of you?

Hi, this is Grant Herbert, Emotional Intelligence Speaker and Trainer of the Year and Master Coach Trainer, and today, I want to continue our conversation around the first quadrant of Emotional Intelligence by helping you to discover your power within.

Many people that I work with are addicted to approval. They get around every single day, worried about what other people might think about their performance. I know all too well in my own life how this can be debilitating, and it can hold you back from being who it is that you were created to be.

The funny thing about seeking approval is that oftentimes we try so hard to seek approval that we actually behave in a way that pushes people away. There's those three universal fears that we operate out of: the fear of not being good enough, the fear of not being a part of the group, not belonging, and the fear of not being loved. And these can be extremely powerful and have a hold on you unless you develop your Personal Power. Having that limited self-confidence tends to put you in a situation where you are not able to set clear boundaries, where you let people walk all over you or confuse them by not actually letting them know in the first place how it is that you'd like to be treated.

There are five key principles that we need to understand that we need to take on so that we can build this Personal Power.

Principle #1: Be authentic.

Principle # 2: Retrain that inner voice.

Principle # 3: Set and maintain healthy boundaries.

Principle # 4: move on quickly.

Principle # 5: Speak your truth assertively

Well, that's it for me for another week. Join me again next week, when we continue this conversation around all things Emotional Intelligence, where we go even deeper on this topic of Personal Power, where we peel back the layers of what it is that you believe about yourself, what it is that you've ingrained in your conditioning, so that we can reverse that, and you can become all that you know that you can become. So, hey, if this has helped you at all, I'd love you to hit the like button, hit the share button, let others know about this. And if you're not yet subscribed, hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you never miss out because this topic that I'm talking about over the next few weeks is going to mean that your next year and beyond is going to be way better than the one that you've just experienced. I'll see you then.

TRANSCRIPT

Do you have a calm, inner conviction about who you are and what it is that you can achieve in your life, or are you riddled with self-doubt and fear of what other people think of you? Hi, this is Grant Herbert, Emotional Intelligence Speaker and Trainer of the Year and Master Coach Trainer, and today, I want to continue our conversation around the first quadrant of Emotional Intelligence by helping you to discover your power within.

Many people that I work with are addicted to approval. They get around every single day, worried about what other people might think about their performance. I know all too well in my own life how this can be debilitating, and it can hold you back from being who it is that you were created to be. Constantly wearing a mask, making sure that you overachieved so you at least get approval is something that's really, really tiring. In fact, it's exhausting. Being who you are really, your authentic self is the easiest gig on the planet. Trying to pretend that you're someone else and put on a performance every day can create a lot of problems in your life. You become someone that you're not, and you're not the best version of yourself for you or the people around you.

The funny thing about seeking approval is that oftentimes we try so hard to seek approval that we actually behave in a way that pushes people away. There's those three universal fears that we operate out of: the fear of not being good enough, the fear of not being a part of the group, not belonging, and the fear of not being loved. And these can be extremely powerful and have a hold on you unless you develop your Personal Power. Having that limited self-confidence tends to put you in a situation where you are not able to set clear boundaries, where you let people walk all over you or confuse them by not actually letting them know in the first place how it is that you'd like to be treated.

You allow people to treat you like you feel that you deserve and unconsciously, you've got a desire to stay exactly where you are, because that's the only place that you feel you are worth. This behaviour can lead to you feeling powerless and overwhelmed. So, what I want to do in this week's episode is start a journey to develop your Personal Power. In my experience of working with the 26 competencies of Social and Emotional Intelligence, Personal Power is the key competency that underpins all the rest. Unless you develop this competency in your life, you'll never be able to employ the strategies of Emotional Intelligence like you would like to. It'll hold you back from the results. It'll keep you in your comfort zone. It'll allow that inner voice to control your life instead of you taking it back. So, stick with me as we go through some key principles that are going to help you start this journey of rebuilding your Personal Power, of finding that inner certainty and conviction that says, "You know what? I've got this. I have everything within me and around me to get everything that I need out of life. Yes, there will be adversity. Yes, there will be challenges. But I'm up for it because I'm worthy, I belong, and I am loved."

Now, if I was listening to this myself a few years ago, I would have said, "Yeah, that might be right for you, Grant, but it's not right for me because I certainly didn't believe any of those statements when they were said about me. And my inner voice kept me in check that if I ever took a step towards believing anything like that, it quickly snuffed them out so that I got back to where I belonged." Your life will change when you discover this power. And instead of operating out of the Performance Trap, where you want to seek the approval of others, you will operate out of self-approval. Your self-approval comes from what you believe about yourself and who you believe you are. Your performance is the things you do. But who I am? That's the key here. You can become confident in your own. You can exercise self-care, and you can become calm and in control.

There are five key principles that we need to understand that we need to take on so that we can build this Personal Power.

Number one is to be authentic. As I said before, when we're trying to be something that we're not, it's so energy depleting. It's really hard to remember who it was that you were trying to be and put on that performance, particularly when you're doing things that go against who you really are. So, the first key principle is to remove that mask, to take it off, to allow people to see you as you really are. Last week, we talked about the Johari window. We looked at that second area, that facade, that hidden area, where we put on this mask, and we pretend so that people think about us in a favourable way. By being authentic, they get the real deal. And that's what people want nowadays. There's so many things out there that are fake. What the world needs is every single one of the seven odd billion people on the planet to be who they were created to be. And collectively we become the world that we want. Is it time to take off that mask? To be who you are? To allow yourself to be okay when you look at yourself? When you look in the mirror, you go, "You know what? I'm all right. I'm not there yet. Perfection is not the goal. I'm teachable and I'm humble, but I'm worthy."

Number two is to retrain that inner voice. It's what I call my mini-me. It's that little voice that niggles in the back, that whenever we have a thought that goes outside our normal comfort zone, whenever we have a thought that goes against those negative opinions that we have about ourselves, we are quickly brought back into line, back into the thinking, the thinking that's going to keep us safe and inside that comfort zone, because if we were to believe something different to that, it would empower us to move forward. And that's scary. That's an unknown territory that we're not sure we can actually play in. Your mini-me is that inner dialogue where you've conditioned yourself over the years through that self-talk that certain things are true. The good thing about brain conditioning through neuroplasticity is that we can rebuild those neural pathways. We can change the beliefs that we have about ourselves, we can speak to ourselves in a more positive language, and that we can then build ourselves up so that we now believe new things about ourselves. To do that, we need to retrain that inner voice because it will come up. It'll try and get your attention. That's what you've created it to do. Even as you're listening to this right now, you are making decisions to move forward because you can see how that's going to help you. And that inner dialogue, that mini-me, is trying to pull you back, trying to get you to turn this off and stop listening to this stuff because it's not for you. Well, fight that. Acknowledge the fact that that's what you taught your inner voice before then take control and teach it something new.

The third thing we have to do is to set and maintain healthy boundaries. We need to learn to say yes and no appropriately. We need to make sure that we communicate those boundaries so people actually know that you are worthy of being treated in a certain way. The reason this is number three and comes after the retraining of the mini-me is the first thing you need to do is change those beliefs about you, because if you don't, you'll set boundaries around how you think you deserve to be treated. And we need to elevate that opinion that you have of yourself, so that you feel worthy of exercising some boundaries around different areas of your life.

The fourth thing you need to do is move on quickly. Things happen, experiences happen, particularly when they are emotionally charged memories, they stick. So, what we've got to do is we need to make sure so that when things happen, we look at them in a logical way. We exercise the Emotional Self-Awareness that we've talked about before. We take the logic out of it, we do what it is that we can do, and then we move on. I like to think of it like driving a car. We've got a nice big windshield in front of us or windscreen, depending on where you come from. And it's a really large piece of glass designed to enable you to see clearly what's happening in the future. And then we've got that second small piece of glass, which is the rear-vision mirror, designed for you to have a quick look every now and then to check what's happening behind. And that's what we need to do to be able to move on from things. Keep our focus on where we're going, rather than looking in the mirror and staying there and ruminating on the experience and the negative and the things that we did wrong and the things that give us the ability to beat ourselves up even more and bring our opinion down even more further. So, things are going to happen. Sometimes you win. Sometimes you learn. So, learn from them by focusing on where you're going, rather than where you've been.

And number five is to speak your truth assertively. Once you've built up your identity and your self-talk has changed and you've set some boundaries and you have a higher opinion of yourself and you feel worthy of a different life to the one you have right now, you need to communicate that you need to be able to speak up for what you believe in. You need to be able to let people know your truth. Now, the key word here is 'assertively' and that's not aggressively. So, it's not about going around being argumentative and forcing your opinion on people. It's about having an inner certainty that says, "Who I am and what I believe in is a good thing. I have the right to my opinion, just as everybody else does. But when it comes to my boundaries, when it comes to my values, my beliefs, I'm going to speak about them openly, without fear of what other people might think of me, because I'm running my race." And that one person that can build up your identity, who you are, your Personal Power is you.

There is one thing we should never externalise, and that is acceptance. So, be okay with who you are. Speak that out. Let people see that in the things that you do and having this Personal Power will let you know that no matter what you're going through in your life right now you've got this. As I said, Personal Power is this underpinning foundational competency of Emotional intelligence. It's about building yourself up, but it's having a platform, a foundation for you to be able to operate from where you can achieve the things that you want to achieve. And it starts with believing in yourself. It starts with shifting the dialogue. It starts with changing what you let go in. It starts with forgetting about getting the approval of others. There's nothing wrong with people liking you. There's nothing wrong with people approving of what you're doing, but it's not something that you need. It's something you get as a byproduct of liking yourself and believing in yourself.

TWell, that's it for me for another week. Join me again next week, when we continue this conversation around all things Emotional Intelligence, where we go even deeper on this topic of Personal Power, where we peel back the layers of what it is that you believe about yourself, what it is that you've ingrained in your conditioning, so that we can reverse that, and you can become all that you know that you can become. So, hey, if this has helped you at all, I'd love you to hit the like button, hit the share button, let others know about this. And if you're not yet subscribed, hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you never miss out because this topic that I'm talking about over the next few weeks is going to mean that your next year and beyond is going to be way better than the one that you've just experienced. I'll see you then.