Conquering the 3 Universal Fears

SUMMARY

Are you constantly trying to get the approval of other people? 

Is everything you do geared around getting people to accept you, like you, and tell you you're good enough?

Well, I lived that for many years. If that's you, stick with me because this week, I want to help you get rid of it for good.  

Hi, this is Grant Herbert, VUCA Leadership and Sustainable Performance Coach, and today I want to continue our conversation around this thing called your IDENTITY by helping you conquer the 3 universal fears.  

Let's unpack these 3 universal fears and then look at how you can shift away from them to be more confident in who you are, be okay with who you are, and get to that position of self-approval.  

Before we introduce these 3 fears, I want to make a point here: they are universal, so they are not something that just goes on for you. You are not weird or unusual as every human being on the planet goes through these same fears. The behaviour that manifests from that fear might differ, but the root fears are the same.  

What are they?  

The first fear is the fear of not being enough — some people even add the word “good enough” there.

The second is the fear of not belonging.  

Then the third fear is the fear of not being loved.  

As Eleanor Roosevelt said (this saying just rings in my ears all the time), “What other people think of you is none of your business.”  

So, you are enough, you do belong, and you are loved.  

These 3 universal fears are the underpinning roadblocks to having a healthy identity.  

I want you to look for evidence of why you belong, why you are good enough, and why you are loved. When you do that (just like me), you'll find it. When that internal voice makes you feel like you ‘don’t’, remind it that you ‘do’.  

As we continue in the weeks to come, we'll add more layers around the work that we need to do to build that identity. You'll be able to shift that internal dialogue and retrain that small voice you've created to keep you “safe” and eliminate the opportunity for you to experience those three universal fears.
  

TRANSCRIPT

Are you constantly trying to get the approval of other people? 

Is everything you do geared around getting people to accept you, like you, and tell you you're good enough?

Well, I lived that for many years.  

If that's you, stick with me because this week, I want to help you get rid of it for good.  

Hi, this is Grant Herbert, VUCA Leadership and Sustainable Performance Coach, and today I want to continue our conversation around this thing called your IDENTITY by helping you conquer the 3 universal fears.  

For many years, I had this need to please everybody, and it was exhausting. Last week, we talked a little bit about that and about the fact that when I was young, I found out something that screwed up my thinking. It made me feel like I was not worthy or good enough and my behaviour became counterintuitive to what I wanted to do — and that was to get on with people. My relationships were poor, and the constant battle of getting approval was the big problem.  

So, this week, I want to start investigating why this happens.  

Some people call it “imposter syndrome," others call it the “performance trap," and others call it an “approval addiction." But whatever it is for you, it's all rooted in the same three universal fears. Now, I'm not talking about fear of heights or spiders or anything like that. I’m talking about internal fears: what you fear about yourself, what you fear is going to happen or not happen based on your own behaviour.  

Let's unpack these 3 universal fears and then look at how you can shift away from them to be more confident in who you are, be okay with who you are, and get to that position of self-approval.  

Before we introduce these 3 fears, I want to make a point here: they are universal, so they are not something that just goes on for you. You are not weird or unusual as every human being on the planet goes through these same fears. The behaviour that manifests from that fear might differ, but the root fears are the same.  

What are they?  

The first fear is the fear of not being enough — some people even add the word “good enough” there.  

What this means is that you fear that everything you do is not good enough and that people won't think it's up to par. That creates an environment of working, striving to get things right, perfectionism, and procrastination. There are a lot of things that are geared around this fear.  

So, if you think others might feel it's not good enough or deeper— that you are not good enough, that will erode your confidence. It will hold you back from hitting “send” on that email and checking it 25 times before you do. It will shift your thinking about what you need to do to be good enough.  

This was a big one for me. Having been left on a doorstep as a baby, I made it believe that it definitely meant I wasn't good enough. If there's something you don't think's good enough, you give it away or discard it. And that's how I felt because it lined up with how I felt then. So, you need to shift that thinking to the fact that you are good enough.  

As I said last week, you're on a journey just like me. I call it my journey of imperfection. I’m never going to get perfect—and that is never going to be the goal—but I'm okay with who I'm becoming. I'm okay with my progress. I'm okay with the fact that I'm still learning, even at 61 years of age. Every day is a part of my journey of growth and contribution.  

I know that I'm not going to get things right all the time, but I also know that mistakes are my greatest teacher and I've shifted my main thinking around that. You also need to shift your thinking around whether or not other people decide if you're good enough or not because that is not something you outsource. We talked about that last week.  

So, the first fear is the fear of not being enough. Let me tell you this: You are enough just as you are.  

The second is the fear of not belonging.  

From the moment we are born, we want to belong. It's a constant journey as we grow up as young children. We want to belong in our family — with our siblings and parents. We go to school and want to belong in the circles of the cool kids. Then, we go through our higher schooling and into the workplace, and there is this constant fear that we won’t belong.  

And in my opinion, this is the root of imposter syndrome. 

Why am I here?  

This isn't where I belong.  

I'm not good enough.  

That's a classic example of the fears working together. 

But you do belong.  

So, it’s realising that you do belong and that it's up to you to decide whether you do belong, that’s the key to being able to break free of imposter syndrome and be able to move forward in confidence that you've got everything within you and around you to get where you need to go.  

Then the third fear is the fear of not being loved.  

Every single person on the planet (yes, that includes you) needs to be loved. 

You might want to call it liked (whatever it is for you). However, there's that desire to have people love you. When you fear that you will not have that connection and love, you behave in a way that you think will actually get people to love you.  

Unfortunately, I can tell you from my own life and experience, that what actually happens when you try to get that love with having a mindset that you're not good enough, you don't belong, and everything else that's going on in that internal dialogue, you actually push people away. You become the type of person who people find more challenging to love because you're not being you.  

So, those are the 3 universal fears: 

The fear of not being enough, the fear of not belonging, and the fear of not being loved.  

When 1, 2 or all 3 of those fears are triggered, it shifts what goes on in your thinking.  

If you fear that you do not belong, you might withdraw, leave where you are working, pull back, or go the other way and try to push your way in. That's another example of behaviour that is counterintuitive to whatever you want to achieve.  

If you fear that you are not good enough, you become a people-pleaser. You'll do more than you can to get the results. You'll try (like I did) to be the best at everything because you think that if you try to be the best, you might be good enough. Unfortunately, that's exhausting, and it takes away from your authentic self. It strips away the true essence of who you are.  

As Eleanor Roosevelt said (this saying just rings in my ears all the time), “What other people think of you is none of your business.”  

So, you are enough, you do belong, and you are loved.  

These 3 universal fears are the underpinning roadblocks to having a healthy identity.  

I want you to look for evidence of why you belong, why you are good enough, and why you are loved. When you do that (just like me), you'll find it. When that internal voice makes you feel like you ‘don’t’, remind it that you ‘do’.  

As we continue in the weeks to come, we'll add more layers around the work that we need to do to build that identity. You'll be able to shift that internal dialogue and retrain that small voice you've created to keep you “safe” and eliminate the opportunity for you to experience those three universal fears.  

Well, that's it from me for another week. Join me again next week as we continue to rebuild your identity by helping you retrain that inner dialogue so that it empowers you rather than holds you back.  

I'll see you then.