Building Lifetime Bonds

SUMMARY

A lot of relationships that we have are very surface level, and at the first sign of any conflict, they tend to fall away. What you want to do is develop a deeper, more enriching, and mutually beneficial relationship that stands the test of time.

There are six core needs that we talk about all the time that people need to have met. Our basic needs are certainty, variety, significance, and connection. They will then give us our higher purpose needs of growth and contribution.

In those four basic needs that each human being has, it is said that if we can meet one of those primary needs that a person has, we've got a connection. However, if we can meet all those needs, we build a bond.

A bond is something that is a lot more difficult to break.

This week, as we continue to talk about relationships, I want to help you think about things a little bit differently by helping you build lifetime bonds.

TRANSCRIPT

Do you find that the relationships you have in your career don't seem to last? Like you are continually needing to rebuild new relationships with new people?

This was certainly a part of my corporate career, and it was mainly due to what I was doing, not what they were doing. So, the problem with having such relationship turnover is that you are continually starting again, and we know that working with people and building relationships is the key to having a profitable career. So, stick with me because this week, as we continue to talk about relationships, I want to help you think about things a little bit differently.

Hi, this is Grant Herbert, VUCA Leadership and Sustainable Performance Coach, and today I want to continue this conversation in the fourth quadrant of emotional intelligence; relationship management, by helping you to build lifetime bonds.

We've been talking for a number of weeks now about relationships and how important they are to be able to get what you need to get done in your workplace. It's not a matter of just working yourself and getting things done through your own efforts; you need to be able to influence others and impact them in a positive way as well.

To do this, you need a different type of relationship.

A lot of relationships that we have are very surface level, and at the first sign of any conflict, they tend to fall away. What you want to do is develop a deeper, more enriching and mutually beneficial relationship that stands the test of time.

I remember in my sales and marketing career; I had many customers who would stick with me even when they were being bombarded by other companies who were offering them great pricing structures and perks to get their business. But what was most important to them — and I find this in my own case as well — was the relationship that they had with me.

I didn't always have to be the cheapest or take them to events. I just needed to treat them as human beings and nurture the relationship that we had together. I needed to make sure that I saw it as a mutually beneficial partnership, not just a person that I needed to get something from. Whether that's an external customer or your internal customer, which is your team, this is the key to future-proofing what you're building right now.

Attraction and retention of talent is a major issue right across the world, and I'm seeing that more and more as I work with clients in many regions across the globe.

Therefore, getting back to the relationships, nurturing them and building a deeper bond with people is really important.

People need to have their needs met.

There are six core needs that we talk about all the time that people need to have met. Our basic needs are certainty, variety, significance, and connection. They will then give us our higher purpose needs of growth and contribution.

In those four basic needs that each human being has, it is said that if we can meet one of those primary needs that a person has, we've got a connection. However, if we can meet all those needs, we build a bond.

A bond is something that is a lot more difficult to break.

I know that this is never going to be an exact science. You’re always going to have situations because you're dealing with people who have their own uncertainties, experiences, and meanings that they put on things just like you do.

However, you can stack things in your favour — for you and for them — by following some principles around this.

If someone needs more certainty, you need to allow them to ask questions and have some answers. If someone needs more variety, you need to look at things differently. If someone needs to feel significant, then you have an opportunity to meet that need.

The key need that I've found is if someone needs connection (and we all do), you need to find ways of meeting it.

So, the key to building bonds is to go below that surface level of looking at what's in it for me to have a relationship with this person, and going deeper and seeing them as a human being.

I'm not saying that you need to have a personal relationship with your team members and clients that goes deep where you take them to the footy on the weekend and you have them in your home. No. What I'm talking about is just putting that extra energy into making them feel valued.

As I teach people when we work on their communication, people need to have two boxes ticked when you are communicating with them so the barriers come down and they open up and come towards what you want to do.

The first one is they need to be able to see you and go: “This person is like me.”

The second one is: “This person gets me.”

Being able to put that extra effort and energy into ticking those boxes, for the relationships that are key to you, is going to help you attract and retain the right people who are going to work with you both externally and internally in your organisation to get the job done.

The alternative is to continually operate a talent and customer turnstile where they're just going in and out, and you’re swapping them over, building relationships again, and you are embedding them in and training them.

All these things take a lot of energy and effort away from the core things that you need to get done.

So, while your inner dialogue might be saying to you right now: “But Grant, I do not have time to develop those bonds.” I would challenge you to say that you don't have time not to because the reward that comes from putting that extra effort in in the longer term is going to release you so you can be who you need to be in every area of your life.

Just like every other thing that we talk about, I want to leave you with some simple steps.

It's not about a dichotomy where “I've got no bonds with people, and now I'm going to have bonds with everyone." No. Realistically, we all need to do just a little bit extra. That's all we've got the bandwidth for.

What I want you to do is just think about those key relationships that you have within your team, your client base, your community, or whatever it is that you want to develop this in. Then, ask yourself the question:

“What's one thing I could do differently to get a deeper relationship with that person?”

We've talked about the fact that they need to see that you are like them and that you get them. So, it’s not a matter of changing who you are; it’s a matter of listening actively and communicating with them in the way that they need to be communicated with.

We've talked about this, and we've talked about the fact that people have different needs. They hear and see things differently. They speak in different languages depending on what their primary type of learning is.

So, it’s the ability to be able to look a bit closer and be more curious that will give you heaps of results because when someone can tick those boxes, they can then ascertain that you care about them as a person. When you do this, a lot of the conflict and stress that you're currently going through as a leader is going to be pushed aside.

Imagine when we're all doing this because this is not something that I give you each week, so that you can just hoard it for yourself. I really hope that you're sharing this with your team and that others are getting the benefit of this as well so that together, you're all operating and building a stronger relationship with everybody in your organisation.

Imagine what you're going to be able to do together. When times are tough and things happen, people are going to think twice before they chase that other opportunity. They're going to go: “No, I've invested in this relationship.”

Our relationship is not transactional; it’s relational. It means that you are going to keep the right people with you as you go forward together in this crazy age of AI and this super VUCA world that I keep talking about.

Building stronger bonds with the people around you is the key to having the right people in the right place to help you as the leader to get where it is that you need to go.

Well, that's it from me for another week. Join me again next week as we continue this conversation about relationships by helping you get the results that you need through collaboration.

I'll see you then.