Behavioural Self-Control

SUMMARY

Do you find it challenging to keep your impulses in check as you navigate your emotions? Or do you have proven strategies that you utilize that help you to stay calm under pressure?

Hi, this is Grant Herbert, Emotional Intelligence Speaker and Trainer of the year and Master Coach Trainer. Today, I want to continue our conversation as we enter this second quadrant of Emotional Intelligence, Self-Management, by talking about a foundational competency of Behavioural Self-Control.

Behavioural Self-Control allows you to keep disruptive emotions in check, to be able to navigate them, allow them to take their course, and for you to be able to steer them in the direction by steering your thoughts and, therefore, your behaviour so that you get the outcome that you want. 

Let me take you through a five-step process that I teach my clients to be able to - when that initial emotion happens - navigate it and steer it down the path that gives you that outcome. 

Number one is to Name the Emotion.

Number two is to Audit Your Thoughts. 

Number three is to Decide the Outcome. 

Number four (this is a big one) is to Control the Sabotage.

Number five is to Choose The Strategy.

Well, that's it for me for another week. If you haven't yet got involved in the Emotional Intelligence Bootcamp, you can still sneak in there. At the time of recording, we've still got a couple of spaces left, and we're about to start.

If you're a coach and you're looking for another opportunity to help people and another revenue stream, then you can ask me about the Social and Emotional Intelligence Coach Certification.

Join me again next week when we continue our conversation in this quadrant of self-management by talking about stress and how we can use our Emotional Intelligence to reduce and manage our stress.

I'll see you then.   

TRANSCRIPT

Do you find it challenging to keep your impulses in check as you navigate your emotions? Or do you have proven strategies that you utilize that help you to stay calm under pressure?

Hi, this is Grant Herbert, Emotional Intelligence Speaker and Trainer of the year and Master Coach Trainer. Today, I want to continue our conversation as we enter this second quadrant of Emotional Intelligence, Self-Management, by talking about a foundational competency of Behavioural Self-Control.

Most people have things that push their buttons, and then they react on impulse. It's like when you were young, and you just decided that you would give that girl a kiss on the cheek, and she was totally surprised and it didn't work out how you wanted it to work out. Or you abdicate control and give over the control of your behaviour to this inner-crazy person, and it causes conflicts to escalate all the time.

Last week, we had a look at how the brain works as data comes in, as the prefrontal cortex does what it can to regulate the responses of the emotions that we experience. I'm here to tell you that when we learn to control our behaviour- to manage it in a way that successfully takes us to a logical outcome rather than an emotional reaction- we can have way more energy, we can be unflappable, we can act on logic, and we can get much better results for ourselves, for the people we interact with, and for the greater good.

Are you the person in your house who needs to have the remote control, so you can change channels or do what you need to happen when you're watching TV? Or do you allow other people to press your buttons for you?

Exercising Behavioural Self-Control is taking back the remote control. It's when buttons are pushed, being able to decide what outcome you want to happen, to manage not the emotion but the response to it.

What I want to do this week is I want to take you through some key principles and then give you a strategy to help you navigate even the most emotionally charged situations by exercising this thing called behavioural self-control.  

Behavioural Self-Control allows you to keep disruptive emotions in check, to be able to navigate them, allow them to take their course, and for you to be able to steer them in the direction by steering your thoughts and, therefore, your behaviour so that you get the outcome that you want. 

Let me take you through a five-step process that I teach my clients to be able to - when that initial emotion happens - navigate it and steer it down the path that gives you that outcome. 

Number one is to Name the Emotion.

You'll remember back when we were in self-awareness, we talked about the fact that there are at least 2000 words in the English language alone to describe the emotion you could be feeling right now. In fact, you could be feeling more than one emotion at any one time.

By labeling that emotion correctly, you’re then going to have a strategy for the right emotion. If you label it as something else, then you have a strategy for that emotion, then it's going to confuse the issue, and you’re not going to get the result you want.

So, the first thing you need to do is accurately assess, in a logical way,

"what is the emotion I am feeling right now?" 

Now, this may not be something that you do regularly; it might be unfamiliar to you, so what I suggest that you do is over the next couple of weeks is just give yourself space in your day to stop and ask yourself that question: "What ( and that's the key using the logical word of “what”) is the emotion I am feeling right now?

 When you come up with the first answer, challenge that and go:  

"is it really that? Or is that what I just call emotions of any type around that particular area?"

 "Do I really feel angry, or am I just frustrated?"

And get into the habit of being able to work out physiologically,     

"what is that emotion that I am feeling right now?"

So that's step one: name the emotion.

Number two is to Audit Your Thoughts.

I love the word audit.

You remember last week, we talked about the fact that whenever we go through a logical process, it lights up our neocortex.

If you want to make sure that your prefrontal cortex is in control and able to regulate the emotion successfully, whatever you can do to keep those neural pathways lit up, the better.

That's why you asked "what" questions and "how" questions rather than "why."

When you do an audit, that's a logical process.

What you’re doing is using "what" and "how" questions to audit and ask yourself,

"what am I thinking right now?"

As you go through that dialogue and work out exactly what you are thinking, you can see patterns and triggers that (in that inner dialogue) take you from that initial emotion to the poor behaviour.

What it also does is gives you space to stop, to pause, and to think rather than react.

So, you named the emotion by asking yourself, "what is the emotion I am feeling right now?" And then, "what am I thinking?"

Remember, emotion is a physiological cue that determines how you feel depending on what meaning you put on it and what you think about. And how you continue to think and the self-talk you use in that inner dialogue determines where that emotion leads you.

So number two is to audit your thoughts.

Number three is to Decide the Outcome. 

When you decide where you want to go, you’ve got a much better chance of getting there.

If I set off on a journey and I just drive with no clear goal in sight, I'm not sure where I'm going to end up. It's the same when you're navigating your emotions so that you can manage your behaviour.

Now that you've got your brain in a state that allows you to think logically because you've asked yourself, "what is the emotion?" And "what am I thinking?", you can now ask yourself the question:

"What do I want to happen here?"

Because you’re not spiraling down in the emotion of it by asking "why" questions.

You’ve got a state going on physiologically and emotionally that allows you to make good decisions so you can decide, "what do I want to happen here?" And then you’ve got something to aim to. 

So the third step is, decide the outcome. 

Number four (this is a big one) is to Control the Sabotage. 

What is it that you do normally in situations that are emotionally charged?

What is it that you say?

What does your body language do that takes things down the path that you don't want to go?

We all do things to sabotage our results; whether that is a part of our personal power, our identity that wants to hold us back from getting good results and having favorable situations in our life, or whether it's just learned behaviour over a period of years. What are the things that you do to sabotage your results? Now to do that, we're going to think internally. This is not what the others do; this is you.

What do you do in these situations when those buttons are pushed, would normally take you to that unresourceful behaviour?

To do this, you ask another "what" question:

"What could I say or do right now that would stop me from getting to where I want to go?"

So, you’ve just decided on the destination. What you’re now doing is making sure that you remove the roadblocks that would stop you from getting there by controlling what comes out of here and controlling what goes on in here.

Then number five is to Choose The Strategy.

So you’ve gone through a process of asking "what" questions.

You know which emotion that you’re going through.

You know what you’re thinking.

You know where you want to go.

You know what to avoid and what to do so that you can get to that destination.

So now you’re in a state to employ a strategy that will actually get you there.

For me, if I'm in traffic, that could be to pull over to the side of the road and take a break.

If I'm in a situation with a particular person, it could be to remove myself from that situation until I've got myself ready to go back and operate without the sabotage.    

So, what is it for you that would help you to get to where it is that you want to go?

It's really important to name the emotion so that you can have a strategy that fits that emotion.

Over a period of time of repeating that strategy over and over again, you have now rewired your brain so that it will employ that strategy as you recognise that you’re going through that emotion.

 Just like before, when you went from an initial thought to an unhealthy behaviour, you can do the same with a resourceful behavior - with behaviour that will give you a better result. It's going to be more conducive to have a lack of conflict and great relationships with the people around you, and it's better for you, it's better for your family, for your friends, and for whoever it is. You also will be able to control the response to the emotions that you go through.  

Well, that's it for me for another week. If you haven't yet got involved in the Emotional Intelligence Bootcamp, you can still sneak in there. At the time of recording, we've still got a couple of spaces left, and we're about to start.

If you're a coach and you're looking for another opportunity to help people and another revenue stream, then you can ask me about the Social and Emotional Intelligence Coach Certification.

Join me again next week when we continue our conversation in this quadrant of self-management by talking about stress and how we can use our Emotional Intelligence to reduce and manage our stress.  

I'll see you then.