Becoming More Socially Aware

SUMMARY

Social intelligence is the ability to be aware of what could be going on in the other person, and it brings in a desire to understand through their lens, not through ours.

We are social beings, who operate with other people, and sometimes that can create some problems.

We think we can read what's going on for them the same as we can for ourselves but unfortunately, a lot of times, we make assumptions that aren't true which can make the relationship, the conversation, or whatever you're working with (in that moment) a little uncomfortable and difficult.

In this week's episode, I want to introduce you to another intelligence that's going to help you become more socially aware.

TRANSCRIPT

Do you sometimes find that working with other people, who are also emotional beings, is a little bit challenging?

We think we can read what's going on for them the same as we can for ourselves but unfortunately, a lot of times, we make assumptions that aren't true which can make the relationship, the conversation, or whatever you're working with (in that moment) a little uncomfortable and difficult.

Well, that's okay. Stick with me because, in this week's episode, I want to introduce you to another intelligence that's going to help you with that.

Hi, this is Grant Herbert, VUCA Leadership and Sustainable Performance Coach, and today I want to get back into our regular conversation around all things Emotional Intelligence by helping you to become more socially aware.

For the last few weeks, we’ve been talking about ourselves and how, as emotional beings, we need to learn to notice, name, and then navigate our emotions. We've talked about the fact that emotions are physiological cues and clues to let you know that something is going on internally. Then the psychological (what you make them mean) and the thought patterns that are all based on your beliefs, determine how you choose to feel.

Just like you, everybody else on the planet operates in that same way. So, whereby emotional intelligence is the ability to be aware of what's going on for YOU emotionally, you need to have a different intelligence to work out what's going on with others, and that's called Social Intelligence.

We are social beings, who operate with other people, and sometimes that can create some problems.

Because (if you go back to the work we did on your identity) you have your own uncertainties, beliefs, what you've made your experiences mean, and all that conditioning up until this point. You have a certain level of competency in being able to navigate your emotions.

That all happens to other people as well.

When you've got two or more imperfect human beings operating in the same proximity, they need to have a language that they can speak so that it will help both of them reduce the miscommunication and misunderstanding which causes conflict.

Social intelligence is the ability to be aware of what could be going on in the other person, and it brings in a desire to understand through their lens, not through ours.

One of the biggest challenges with some of the teachings around emotional intelligence is that you are led to believe that when you experience a certain emotion, others will experience the same emotion as well.

Just like the triune and the lizard brain has been debunked in neuroscience, so too have these untruths that are not helping you. You need to unlearn those so that you can learn new things.

The first thing you need to do is understand that the way you interpret and navigate a particular emotion can be totally different for somebody else.

So why is that important?

Suppose you go into an interaction, and you look at the facial expression of the other person, and that's the facial expression you use when experiencing a certain emotion. In that case, you may think they are going through that emotion as well and that’s where the miscommunication and misunderstanding come in.

There is no set pattern of facial expressions for emotions. Everybody has their own experience and responds and reacts to different emotions in different ways.

So, to differentiate between what you are feeling and what the other person could be feeling, you need to bring in some other elements and competencies to assist you.

Social Intelligence starts with social awareness, and the key element of that is empathy.

Empathy is the ability to look at a situation the way the other person is looking at it. It's the ability to ask questions and actively listen so you get a deeper understanding and be able to check in and say things like:

“Hey, I'm feeling like you might be getting a little bit upset right now. Can you tell me about that?”

Doing this will see those miscommunications pushed aside, and you can move forward.

So, the key element here is not to assume they're going through a certain emotion.

Now this is a baseline of all communication between human beings, where instead of making assumptions based on your understanding, you use reflective listening, check in, and listen intently, not just for what's being said but for what is NOT being said.

You look at body language and cues, and if there's something that you are not understanding, you check in and ask a question.

Last week, I jumped out of our regular conversation to talk about R U OK Day and the movement of R U OK, which is there to raise awareness around suicide prevention. Now, social awareness, even though we've jumped back into our regular conversation, is a key element in being able to help people by having a conversation with them because if you go in with more social awareness, you will then (using that empathy) seek to understand how they could be feeling and are seeing the world in that moment.

You also need to develop another competency called situational awareness, and this is where you’re able to take off those blinkers that just look straight ahead with your own unconscious and conscious biases. Situational awareness will enable you to look around and open your mind and understanding beyond what it is that you would normally be looking at and be fully present and attuned to what's going on with that particular person in that moment.

This is why the keyboard conversations on social media doesn't work in that same way because we're not able to read what the other person could be going through. And I certainly do not see too many people asking questions to clarify what could be going on in the other person. There's just an exchange of “opinion” stated as fact, and that's where that social awareness doesn't really work.

Having situational awareness and being able to look beyond your own self is the key.

Then there's the competency of service orientation.

This is where you navigate your life looking at how you can serve others instead of just being self-serving. To have that mindset and attitude means that in your interactions with other people, you're going to be able to communicate for their benefit, not just for yours.

For me, this was something that I had to do a lot of work on. If that's you too that's totally okay because this is all about incremental change by looking at where you are today and then moving a step closer to where you want to be.

Every person on the planet needs to develop these skills because we are all emotional, imperfect beings. We're never going to be perfect, and that’s never going to be the goal.

Social awareness opens up a world of understanding, and it allows you to remove any misconceptions, misunderstandings, and confusion and gives you certainty so that your conversations can have more depth and be more beneficial for you, for them and the greater good.

Social intelligence is about understanding what could be going on with others and then using that information to manage how you respond to them. This is going to develop totally different relationships with them because (just like we talked about last week) it immediately says you care, and you are interested in them as well as yourself.

So, this is not about going: “Don’t worry about me; it's all about you." No, that’s unhealthy as well. It’s about having an open conversation and an environment that says:

“It’s okay for us to have opinions that don't match. It doesn't make either of us wrong; it just means that we need to go deeper in our conversation to understand why you see things that way.”

There have been many times when I've done that, and I've realized that we were pretty well saying the same thing. It was just the misunderstanding that was getting in the way.

Well, that's it from me for another week.

Join me again next week as we continue this conversation around Social Intelligence, and delve into this priceless competency of empathy.

I'll see you then.