A Conversation Can Change a Life

SUMMARY

Have you ever felt really down and not quite sure whether or not you're going to be able to continue doing what it is that you're doing?

Most people suffer in silence and they put on a brave front. We've talked about the root cause of that being the performance trap, the approval addiction, and all those things that are attached to an unhealthy belief structure and conditioning in your identity.

But today, I want to equip you with something that I'm very passionate about. I am going to help you to learn about a conversation that could change a life.

R U OK? is a conversation that could save a life through a movement helping to bring awareness and skillset to reduce the incidents of suicide.

Ks for R U O K is an amazing opportunity for you and I to get involved. The whole thing is about committing to doing some kilometers, whether it's walking, running, cycling, or whatever you choose to do. You set your own goal and then ask people to donate so that we can do the research and bring greater awareness.

Here are the simple steps to starting this life-saving conversation:

Step 1: Ask them R U OK?

Step 2: Listen without judgement.

Step 3: Encourage action.

Step 4: Check-in.

To learn more about this life-changing conversation, watch the vlog or read the whole transcript. Don't miss this opportunity to empower yourself and others.

Donate to R U O K through my page: 'Ks FOR RUOK'

https://ksforruok.ruok.org.au/fundraisers/grantherbert/ks4ruok-2023

Useful contacts in Australia for someone who is not OK

If your life is in danger or you’re concerned for your own or someone else’s safety, please call 000. You can find support by contacting your local doctor or one of these crisis lines available 24/7.

Lifeline

Phone: 13 11 14 | lifeline.org.au

Beyond Blue

Phone: 1300 224 636 | beyondblue.org.au

Suicide Call Back Service

Phone: 1300 659 467 | suicidecallbackservice.org.au

Mensline

Phone: 1300 789 978 | mensline.org.au

TRANSCRIPT

Have you ever felt really down and not quite sure whether or not you're going to be able to continue doing what it is that you're doing?

I know I have, several times in my life.

Perhaps you've got friends who you have noticed a change in. They're pulling away from everybody, or behaving in a different way, and you feel a little bit powerless as to how to help them.

Well, that is happening a lot right now because the world is so volatile, uncertain, complex, and ambiguous. Everything that we've been navigating over the past few years is really taking a toll on a lot of people.

And I'm one of them.

Just because I stand in front of this camera each week, and I talk to you as an expert in human behaviour who helps people to change their lives all around the world, doesn't mean that I've got it all down pat. In fact, it's been said that coaches tend to work in the area that they need or need to work in themselves.

For me, this has been a different time over the last few years, and I know that I've needed to think and do some things differently.

If any of that relates to you, stick with me because this week, I want to help you so that you feel empowered to support yourself and give the support that you want to others.

Hi, this is Grant Herbert, VUCA Leadership and Sustainable Performance Coach, and today I want to jump into the middle of our regular conversation and put other things aside right now, to help you to learn about a conversation that could change a life.

So, these people go through it alone because even though things are bad, they sense that if they are a burden on others, it will get even worse. This is because what you will allow to enter your mind, what you ruminate in your internal dialogue, and what you feed your mini-me, is going to be the way that you behave.

I already talked to you about that including how to identify your triggers and how you can develop behavioural self-control.

But today, I want to equip you with something that I'm very passionate about.

Right now, here in Australia, I’m participating in the movement K’s For R U O K

R U O K is a conversation that could save a life through a movement helping to bring awareness and skillset to reduce the incidents of suicide.

The statistics are staggering around people who get to the point of not being able to go any further, so they take their own life. And it’s totally out of character to what people would normally see from them. They may even look confident and have everything together, but they don't.

When you look at people, you don't know what they're going through because, if they're a human being like you, they're holding some stuff back. They’re only showing you what they feel they can show you in a safe way so that you don't judge or think a certain way about them.

You could be their best friend and they could still be hiding stuff from you.

As you can see in my video, I am wearing something a bit different from what I normally wear when doing this, because this week is not about me or my business or those things that I'm helping you with as a part of my coaching and training practice.

In this episode, I want to get your attention.

And I think I’ve done it just by wearing this bright yellow beanie and shirt. You see, it’s not normal for a businessperson to do a video wearing a beanie. However, I'll do whatever I need to get your attention. Besides, it’s cold here right now in Sydney Australia so wearing the beanie is a good thing.

When I get out there, whether it's out in the shopping centers, the botanic gardens where I do my walking, or wherever, people see this, and they read:

R U OK?

A conversation could change a life.

In my case, this conversation changed my life.

*By the way, if there is anything that I say today that brings up any feelings in you, please reach out. I'm going to give you some resources down in the show notes, wherever you are watching or listening to this. So that if any of these things bring up anything for you that's uncomfortable, you can reach out. However, if you feel uncomfortable reaching out to any of those, you can reach out to me, and I’ll jump on a call with you.

In today’s conversation, as I have said earlier, I’m going to be vulnerable so I can get your attention. This is because I am passionate about doing what I can, in my own small way in the world that I’m in, to make sure that what I heard about just yesterday doesn’t happen again.

A man who felt like he was trapped and had no other option than to burn down his house with himself inside.

That's not good enough and it’s not the world that I want live in.

I want people to feel empowered to go on and a conversation could be all it takes.

Now here's the thing:

When we hold back from the people that we know and our friends, it then becomes an opportunity to open a conversation.

For me, there have been times in my life, when I did not know where to go, where I had no idea how I could change some things, and where I had thoughts that I did not want to have.

I am thankful, that in each of those occasions, I've had somebody reach out to me. Just the fact that they listened without judgment and they cared enough to invest some energy in me was enough for me to think:

“You know what, I can keep going.”

R U O K is an amazing organisation here in Australia where we have an annual R U O K Day.

Now although it’s great to have that one day, what I’m encouraging you and others to do is to make R U OK? Day every day.

You can start by asking yourself that question and be real about your answer. And, when someone asks you, “Are you okay?” instead of flippantly going “Yeah, everything’s fine,” when deep down you’re not, I want you to be real and honest with them and go:

“You know what, it’s not okay.”

As someone who is seen around the world as a leader in these things, there have been times when I’ve been tempted to pretend that I’m okay when I’m actually not because I thought it would damage my brand. However, it’s the exact opposite.

I'm always stepping up and the first one to say when I don't feel okay because by doing that, I'm taking leadership and it might allow someone else to do the same thing.

But anyway, enough about me and enough about the preamble, let's get into it.

What I want to do is to show you some powerful information that you can use because I know the reason why a lot of times you don't ask if people are okay is because you're scared of the answer.

Because a lot of times when you ask, “Are you okay?” they'll just say: “Yeah.”

Or when you say:

“Good morning.” and they will respond with “Good morning”

You say, “How are you?” and they just respond with “How are you?”

The reason for this is the conversation is not really anything below the surface; it’s just what you say.

For me, it starts with asking myself the question “Are you okay?" or when someone asks me that question, my initial response might be ‘Yes’ but then I go further and ask myself: “Really?”

So, what you can do when you ask someone if they are OK, and they just say “Great.” or “Yeah.”, is follow up your question and ask: “Really?”

Doing this may prompt them to think a little deeper about your question and see that you really care about them and are willing to listen.

So, how do you start a conversation that can save a life?

Step 1: Ask them R U OK?

When you do that, you open a door of opportunity. However, all the things we've talked about before in communication need to come in because asking is not enough. Even wearing an RUOK shirt is not enough. It’s about going to step 2.

Step 2: Listen without judgement.

The type of listening you need to do here is active listening where you listen to what is said, but you also listen to what's not said. By listening without looking for something to judge or to fix, you can hear it through their lens. You can do what you can using the skills of empathy to understand what you think they're going through before moving to step 3.

Step 3: Encourage action.

Having this conversation goes beyond just asking a question and listening and going, “That’s great!” and then just going off and doing what you do for the rest of the day.

This conversation is about encouraging them and that might be in a question or a statement to say, “Hey, who are you talking to about this?”

Whatever they answer with here, you can lead it from there and say to them “Hey, I really think it would be great if you would talk to your GP….” or to whoever it is, depending on the situation.

So, encourage them to do that, and if you can sense that they don't feel comfortable, you can say “Hey, I'll go with you and I'll be there to support you.”

Step 4: Check-in

You might think that now that you’ve asked the question that you’ve done all you can do so you go off and do whatever it was that you were going to be doing that day.

No, you need to check in and find out how they went.

A lot of times they're not going to reach out and do the thing that they said that they were going to do. So, you just step back to Step 2 and listen with your judgment. Then, you encourage again.

So, you check in and ask:

“Hey, how did your conversation with your GP go?”

“How did you go talking to your mum?”

“What is the next step for you?”

Checking in says that you’re going beyond your initial conversation and that you care enough to follow up.

One of the things that I like to do is make sure that I let them know that I'm going to give them the support and accountability that they need from me as a friend when I am in step 3.

You can ask: “Hey, when are you going to go to the doctor? or “When are you going to have that conversation?”

They might say: “I’ll do it this week.”

So, you can respond with: “Great, I'll check in with you next week and see how you're going.”

There's no judgmental tone here like: “I'm going to check up on you to see if you did your homework.” It is just letting them know that along the journey you are going to be with them.

Well, a conversation can change your life and I believe that there are many people watching this that need to have that conversation. So, reach out and be aware, in your own world of people by asking them:
“R U O K?”

Well, that's it for me for another week.

I really encourage you to read the stuff down below to get involved.

Please donate if you can and join the conversation. Share this with others so that we can get this message of R U O K out to everyone.

Next week, we'll jump back in where we left off but I just needed to do this for this week because it's so important. I'll see you then.

*If anything has brought up uncomfortable feelings the image below shows places you can reach out to someone and start a conversation.